dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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