I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
