I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
