Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
