this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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