Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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