I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
