They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
