Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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