I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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