We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
