seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize