i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
