You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
