I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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