the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
