If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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