don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
