just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
