I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
