he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
