your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
