She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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