mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
zippers are such a cool invention
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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