I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
