Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize