Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
