gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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