And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You ate ashes out of my bong
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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