Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
