I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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