I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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