My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
