he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
