brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
