mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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