just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize