I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You are the jesus of drinking
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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