my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize