Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Randomize