I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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