I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
