dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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