I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
