Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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