i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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