yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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