Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
