i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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