my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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