you're like a bully in the Christmas story
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
