i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
