I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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