Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
