I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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