Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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