My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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