he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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