why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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