I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
