i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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