So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
