At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
