So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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