I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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