A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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