I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
