Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
